Anger Insights from a Chicago Mental Health Therapist
Un-learning Difficult Emotions with A Mental Health Therapist in Chicago
Growing up, I often avoided two particularly difficult emotions: anger and grief. It might sound ironic, especially since I’m a mental health therapist. You’re probably wondering, "Isn't it part of your job to address these emotions? Why would you avoid them?" That’s a valid question. As a mental health therapist in Chicago, I can share why I steered clear of these emotions in my own life and how it influenced my approach to therapy. You might even recognize some of these patterns in yourself. We’ll explore grief in more detail in an upcoming blog post—stay tuned!
In my immigrant Asian household, I learned a few life lessons that have stayed with me: showing respect to elders or strangers by calling them “Uncle Joe” or “Aunt Karen," hustling to survive, and understanding that your reputation is extremely important (in Cantonese, the phrase is “mo mein” or “to lose face,” 冇面). Anger was one of the emotions we were taught to suppress because if we experienced or lashed out (verbally or otherwise), we were often shamed for feeling that way. As a mental health therapist in Chicago, I often explore with my clients who have faced similar experiences unlearn how these cultural values influence emotions and behaviors, helping them navigate the impact on their mental health.
There were a handful of memories where I saw family members who became angry took up vices (i.e., drinking or taking addictive substances excessively, isolating from others, shopping addictions, hoarding tendencies, etc.) to help manage them from coming to the surface.
I would often be told by adults in my life that “good girls don’t get angry” or “Calm down. It’s not a big deal.” After a while of listening to those messages about how I should behave, I learned how to please others so that we never have conflicts, which meant that we would never become angry because anger ruins relationships. We were told to immediately apologize to adults whenever we did something that was deemed “wrong” or “troublesome” to get rid of anger as quickly as possible.
Looking back, I see how those avoidance strategies were used to protect me. As a mental health therapist, I learned how important it is to be with my experiences of anger. This process not only enhances my relationship with myself but also enables me to better assist my clients in recognizing and valuing their own emotional experiences.
Insights from a Mental Health Therapist in Chicago on Past vs. Present Anger Cycles
Past Anger Cycle
This was what was taught to me growing up. As you can see that when I experienced the peak of anger, it would persist for a long time before, I mentally forced myself to calm down to keep the peace. While this strategy may have worked for safely keeping my relationships, it did nothing to help me feel more connected with others.
Present Anger Cycle
I want to point out two key differences: 1) The duration of anger has shortened significantly, and 2) by being with my anger, the descent doesn’t feel as rushed or overwhelming, meaning I can start to ground myself naturally. Unlearning and rebuilding my relationship with my experiences of anger over the years (Shout-out to my own mental health therapist!) has been an absolute game-changer for me. While it’s not perfect, I’ve learned that my anger signals when my boundaries have been crossed and especially how to communicate to others what I need.
Three Effective Ways from a Mental Health Therapist in Chicago to Manage Anger
Become aware of anger in your body and mind and notice your breath. Treat it like a house guest whose coming over temporarily to visit.
When that happens, voicing it aloud helps to acknowledge its presence. “Okay, I’m on the roller coaster.”
Reflect on what your anger is trying to tell you, “What’s happening to bring you out right now?” and writing down or saying out loud, “Okay, you’re here because of XYZ.”
Take away message:
As you can see, your anger may not look like mine or experience it in the same way. That is perfectly normal! The important thing to notice is that, as you learn different strategies to help manage your anger, the time it takes to feel like yourself again gets shorter. With time, consistency, and patience, the more you notice when you are feeling angry, the quicker you can manage it so it doesn’t feel so out of control. Feel free to revisit this page as often as you need. I’m a mental health therapist in Chicago and if you are ready to take the next step in managing your emotions, click the link below!
